Dear Diary: Fidel Castro
As imagined by Scott Stinson
National Post
Saturday, March 10, 2007
MONDAY
Finally, I am starting to feel like my old self again. A good thing, too. A headline in the Miami paper today: "Cuban-Americans plan festivals to celebrate death of Castro." That stings, let me tell you. This wouldn't be happening if Raul had any sense of how to run things. Every day is phone call after phone call. "'Fidel, should I adjust grain prices? Fidel, should I increase medical funding? Fidel, should I execute this dissident?" It gets tiring. But I am sure I have started to turn the medical corner. Strong like bull!
TUESDAY
Weak like kitten. Cannot make it from bed today. Call in Raul. "You must start acting like a leader," I say. "The papers say the people have boats lined up 20-deep in the harbour, just waiting to take off for Miami if I should pass away." "Fidel, I am trying," he says. "But you have spent 40 years telling the people that everything they have is because of you. It is no wonder they do not think much of me. I don't see any Papa Raul statues out there." Always with the statues, this guy.
WEDNESDAY
Alexandre Trudeau called today. What a nice surprise to hear from little Sacha. I asked him how he was doing. "I am well, Uncle Fidel. Keeping busy. I have been doing a lot of work on behalf of political prisoners in Canada." "Really?" I asked. "It's a terrible state of affairs. Canadians imprisoned without any charges against them or allowed to see any of the evidence. Many for years! Isn't it crazy?" "It certainly is!" I said. "Usually we shoot them before too long." He seemed troubled. Not sure why.
THURSDAY
Must keep image in public eye. But too weak to travel, so call Hugo to arrange another "summit." He's always happy to come over and smile for the cameras. You know, there's one thing I have learned to like about all this convalescing: the clothes. I haven't changed out of this adidas track suit for four days. These technical fabrics are so breathable! Those military fatigues always did chafe.
FRIDAY
I think Hugo's people are trying to blow me off. "President Chavez has been to Havana four times since January," they say. What, he can't schedule some face time for the father of modern socialism? So I called Kim in North Korea. "Dear Leader!" I said. "How are things?" He explains that he's finishing negotiations with the West. "I pack mine shaft full of explosives, go kaboom, now they pay me millions to stop making weapon I probably could not make anyway." Ask what he will do with all the money. "Make palace. Maybe buy some new glasses." "Or you could feed your citizens," I said. We had a good chuckle over that one.
© National Post 2007
As imagined by Scott Stinson
National Post
Saturday, March 10, 2007
MONDAY
Finally, I am starting to feel like my old self again. A good thing, too. A headline in the Miami paper today: "Cuban-Americans plan festivals to celebrate death of Castro." That stings, let me tell you. This wouldn't be happening if Raul had any sense of how to run things. Every day is phone call after phone call. "'Fidel, should I adjust grain prices? Fidel, should I increase medical funding? Fidel, should I execute this dissident?" It gets tiring. But I am sure I have started to turn the medical corner. Strong like bull!
TUESDAY
Weak like kitten. Cannot make it from bed today. Call in Raul. "You must start acting like a leader," I say. "The papers say the people have boats lined up 20-deep in the harbour, just waiting to take off for Miami if I should pass away." "Fidel, I am trying," he says. "But you have spent 40 years telling the people that everything they have is because of you. It is no wonder they do not think much of me. I don't see any Papa Raul statues out there." Always with the statues, this guy.
WEDNESDAY
Alexandre Trudeau called today. What a nice surprise to hear from little Sacha. I asked him how he was doing. "I am well, Uncle Fidel. Keeping busy. I have been doing a lot of work on behalf of political prisoners in Canada." "Really?" I asked. "It's a terrible state of affairs. Canadians imprisoned without any charges against them or allowed to see any of the evidence. Many for years! Isn't it crazy?" "It certainly is!" I said. "Usually we shoot them before too long." He seemed troubled. Not sure why.
THURSDAY
Must keep image in public eye. But too weak to travel, so call Hugo to arrange another "summit." He's always happy to come over and smile for the cameras. You know, there's one thing I have learned to like about all this convalescing: the clothes. I haven't changed out of this adidas track suit for four days. These technical fabrics are so breathable! Those military fatigues always did chafe.
FRIDAY
I think Hugo's people are trying to blow me off. "President Chavez has been to Havana four times since January," they say. What, he can't schedule some face time for the father of modern socialism? So I called Kim in North Korea. "Dear Leader!" I said. "How are things?" He explains that he's finishing negotiations with the West. "I pack mine shaft full of explosives, go kaboom, now they pay me millions to stop making weapon I probably could not make anyway." Ask what he will do with all the money. "Make palace. Maybe buy some new glasses." "Or you could feed your citizens," I said. We had a good chuckle over that one.
© National Post 2007
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